Insane Over and Over Again Please Dont Let My Baby Die
Manipulators come in all shapes and sizes. However, there is something particularly painful and twisted about a manipulative mother.
A mother-child bond is sacred.
For many of us motherly love is the only truly unconditional, pure love we will ever experience.
So when you have a mother who is manipulative, withholding and cruel, it flips your world upside down.
Someone who's supposed to be a source of love, support, and care turns out to be the source of pain and psychological torment.
Most likely, it will take you a long time to figure out that you were abused by your mother.
And even then, you'll continue questioning your own judgment, and even sanity! That's how damaging childhood abuse is.
I'm here to tell you: you're not crazy. You're not being a baby. And you're not making this up.
Here are 20 definitive signs you have a manipulative (a.k.a. narcissistic) mother.
1. She guilt-trips you when you try to establish boundaries.
Boundaries are a normal, healthy part of human relationships. They mean that you know who you are, and how you'd like to be treated.
But to an abusive mother a boundary is a slap in the face. She immediately jumps into her victim role and tries to make you feel guilty for being an adult with your own needs and choices.
2. She is verbally abusive.
Calling you names, yelling in public, and berating you for doing something "wrong" is a regular part of your relationship with her.
She also gets off on insults disguised as "jokes."
Related: How to Heal From Verbal and Emotional Abuse
3. Whenever you stand up to her, she calls you "rude" or shuts down.
This is a manipulative tactic to keep you in line.
She'll also go around playing the victim, telling people: "I don't know what I did to deserve this, I've done so much for her."
4. She denies that anything is ever her fault, and she never apologizes.
This is a classic narcissistic trait. A manipulative mother likes to use other people's weak spots for her advantage, but she is in denial about her own massive flaws…
That makes her one of the biggest hypocrites you'll ever meet.
5. She likes when you are dependent on her.
Loving parents want their kids to grow into healthy, capable, independent adults. One of the happiest moments in any parent's life is when their child reaches achievement and autonomy.
But a manipulative mother doesn't want you to be successful or independent, not really. She wants to maintain her control over you, so she'll manufacture ways to keep you dependent on her.
She'll even sabotage you, all to keep you under her thumb.
6. She always puts her needs first.
A manipulative mother likes playing the role of a selfless caretaker of her family, a loving wife, a humanitarian…But in reality, it's all about her.
She is notorious for disregarding your needs. Ironically, this is probably what she experienced in childhood, too. A child whose emotional needs are not met will learn manipulative or deceitful ways to cope.
7. She plays favorites with her children (or grandchildren).
One of her best manipulative tricks is to pin you and your siblings against each other, so you can be vying for her love and approval.
To achieve this, she will pick the "golden child" and the "scapegoat."
She'll put the golden child on the pedestal, while the scapegoat will only receive criticism and rejection.
Sometimes the roles will switch. It doesn't really matter to a manipulative mother which is which. This is just a part of her pattern to idealize and then devalue people.
8. She forces you to do things for her.
Your manipulative mother always has a ton of requests and favors to ask of you. These requests range from small and reasonable to completely ridiculous. It's as if she's testing how far she can push you.
Once you tell her "no," she unleashes the hell hounds of blame, guilt, and shame on you to whip you into submission.
9. You can never win with her.
It would seem that if you do everything she asks, she'll be happy. But that's not the case. It's a classic "damn if you do, damned if you don't" scenario.
Even if you're willing to yield to her to avoid confrontation, a manipulative mother will always find that you did something wrong. Oh, and you'll never hear a "thank you."
10. She is the master of passive-aggressive warfare.
Veiled insults are her favorite weapons of abuse: vague enough to evade responsibility, but pointed enough for you to get the message.
If she's really successful, she'll trigger a strong emotional reaction from you. That's what she wanted all along: it's easy to manipulate you when you're emotional.
11. She has "flying monkeys"
Abusive mothers are good at manipulating people's perception of them.
So not everyone in your family will see your mother for who she really is. Some will be her good little soldiers, or "flying monkeys."
"Flying monkeys" is the term that describes people who willingly (or unwillingly) do what the manipulator wants them to do, like the winged monkeys of the Wicked Witch of the West.
For example, if you've had an argument with your mother, some well-meaning family members might approach you to talk about how you've hurt her, and that you need to fix this, e.g., apologize, make amends, do what she wanted you to do etc.
Chances are, your mother put them up to this.
12. She is a pathological liar.
A manipulative mother lies about big things, and little things she doesn't have to lie about. She just lies habitually, and she's good at it.
Until you catch on. And then you start seeing right through all the lies.
Because the veil has lifted, and, to continue with the Wizard of Oz theme, you can see that the great magician is just an old woman with a pathological need to control.
Related: 21 Gut-Wrenching Lies You Learned From Your Narcissistic Parent
13. When you disobey her, she threatens to cut you off or disown you.
Whenever you step out of line, a manipulative mother will threaten to stop talking to you, or cut you out of her life (or her will).
In rare cases she will deliver on her threat, but most likely, these are just intimidation tactics. She doesn't really want to cut you out; she wants to continue manipulating you.
So let her do it. Let her stop talking to you — it's the best thing she can do for you.
14. Crazy-making and gaslighting when confronted
"Gaslighting" is a psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your perception of reality.
In our age of fake news, gaslighting is a big part of our cultural and political reality.
A manipulative mother will specifically gaslight you about what you've experienced in childhood.
So you'll say: this happened, and your mother will say: no, it didn't. You misheard me, or you remember it wrong, or it's not what I meant, or you just like making things up.
Related: Gaslighting in the Family: 7 Ways to Fight Back
"Crazy-making" is a similar manipulative technique intended to cause self-doubt, make you feel "crazy."
15. She expects you to anticipate her needs.
And if you don't, she acts disappointed. This is an intentional manipulation. She knows that she can elicit your guilt this way, and guilt is a gateway to having power over you.
Nothing is as toxic and as effective as guilt.
16. She ruins holidays and special events.
Manipulative mothers will use holidays and family reunions to create drama. Then they will stand back and watch the chaos they unleashed.
The simple reason is, manipulative people aren't happy, and they hate when others are happy. So they will do whatever it takes to ruin everyone's good time.
Related: 10 Tips on How to Survive the Holidays With Your Toxic Family
17. She pushes you to live the life she wanted for herself.
It's normal for parents to want for their children what they didn't have: a college degree, a house, a happy family… Most of all, they just want them to be happy.
A manipulative mother couldn't care less about your happiness. She just wants to live vicariously through you, to satisfy her own desires she wasn't able to fulfill herself.
Remember the movie "Dead Poets Society"? Neil wanted to be an actor but his father insisted that he goes to med school because he never had such an opportunity growing up.
18. She's never happy for you
No matter what you do, she always seems unhappy with your choices.
She never gives you credit for an achievement or celebrates your successes.
She doesn't like the person you married. She's not OK with the career you chose.
And she's not thrilled about how you raise your children either.
But here's the thing: she'll never be happy for you because deep down she's jealous of you. So quit trying to please her. It's a losing game.
19. She uses her love and support as a tool to gain your obedience.
There's usually a fair amount of animosity in her treatment of you. But there'll be times when she'll be loving and supportive towards you.
She might bring you soup when you're sick, or throw you a surprise birthday party. How can this be bad?
Don't be fooled! Anything a manipulative mother does for you is to make you feel obligated to her. Then, when she needs something, she can fully expect you to do whatever she wants.
20. She won't own up to anything.
If you confront her, she might call you dramatic, too sensitive, or unable to take a joke.
She will also seek support from other people, trying to make a case for your "inadequacies."
If she succeeds, it can be difficult for you to prove that you're not the problem; she is.
What Can You Do About a Manipulative Mother?
It's painful and disorienting to have a close family member — a mother of all people — to be emotionally abusive for no apparent reason.
I know you know this but…I want to say it anyway: it's not your fault!!! There's nothing about who you are or what you did that could have caused it, it's her own sick mind.
There's nothing you can do to change her, or make her think or act differently. You have no control over that.
However, you do have control over your own actions, like:
- learning to control your reactivity when you're around your mother;
- practicing mindfulness and awareness of your own manipulative tendencies;
- seeking a professional counselor to help you heal and move on;
- limiting or going no contact with your manipulative mother;
- if no contact is not an option, maintaining healthy boundaries;
- learning to stand up for yourself, speak up and stand your ground, even in the face of blatant manipulation from your parent.
If you want to learn more, here's a more detailed post about dealing with a manipulative or narcissistic mother: Coping With a Narcissistic Mother: 9 Tips to Heal the Damage
Do you have a manipulative mother? Share your story below!
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Which Comic Book Character Is Your Abusive Mother?
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Source: https://toxicties.com/manipulative-mother-signs/
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